Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's All in My Head, Even if It Isn't in Theirs

Like the Adoption Counselor blogged this morning, I continue to be amazed by FASD and how it affects our children. I am especially frustrated by the accusations my kids who have FASD make and the things they say about us as parents. We have one adult son in particular who is convinced that he got the short end of the deal from us and that, though he is way beyond 18, we owe him so much because of what he feels we didn't give him during his childhood. I have to literally bite my tongue.

Why? Because I have ALL of the information about the last 7-8 years all neatly organized, in chronological order, with the facts straight, in my brain. I know how many times we were falsely accused, manipulated, stolen from, lied to, loaned money that was never paid back, and just generally were mistreated. It's all in my head.

But when he comes up with some one liner accusation about how we owe him something that he deserves to have, I have to force myself not to respond. I spent 15 minutes this morning forcing myself to shut up after one of those zingers flew through the air of the van.

Why didn't I challenge it and try to make him understand? Because it wouldn't. have. mattered. He wouldn't have understood at all what I was trying to say.

So I just let it sit there. That horribly wrong, unjust accusation, and attempted to consider the source -- a mind that doesn't incorporate, translate, and synthesize data in an organized fashion.

But oh how I wanted to say something.....


brenkachicka said...

I have a child with brain damage, not from FAS, but from a head injury. I also have a child who may or may not have been exposed to alcohol... we will never know the whole story. I had wanted to go to this seminar:
but I missed it because of work. My friend went to it, and she told me something I now tell myself whenever my child's issues make me feel crazy. "You have to remember, she has brain damage." Total perspective shift.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with these adults! I read your blog hoping to glean little truths to help me as I raise my challenging children.
Thanks - Kerry

GB's Mom said...

I hear you!

Psycho Mom said...

so true. i have the hardest time keeping my mouth shut when my daughter is spewing stupid things that I have a whole host of comebacks for. you are right. it does no good to say it. ugh

Miz Kizzle said...

You son knows how he FEELS but feelings aren't facts. You might write down those things you mentioned, in chronological order, and save it for some time when he is able to have a more or less rational discussion. If he sees the facts in black and white he may acknowledge the truth.
Of course, he may accuse you of "picking on him," but it might make him realize that he is not the innocent victim that he thinks he is.