Survived the Day So Far

Well, it’s 4:00 p.m. and I survived the day, managing my emotions pretty well. I have been up since five, and was too stressed to nap, so I was worried that I was going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut at the meeting. oh, wait, you don’t know about the meeting yet because you haven’t been told about the meeting.

This morning I called the probation officer. I told her what I knew, that I needed to confront Salinda, that I hadn’t done so yet, and that I would like to in front of her and the social worker if possible. So she told me to bring her directly after school.

Wow, the anxiety of picking her up and having to take her in to see her P.O. without prior warning was almost overwhelming. I had to spend most of the day talking myself down from the edge. Telling myself I could hand it, etc. I have found that if I can keep myself under control things go better. Her attitude and mean spirit, especially when she is angry, make me so anxious. But I kept myself in line whole day and I’m proud of myself so far. I still have 5.5 hours before I sleep, so we’ll see if I can keep it up.

The meeting went as well as could be expected. She was somewhat cooperative because she had to be, admitted to some of the things I confronted her about, but not all of them, and did what she was supposed to do. But she is going to not be nice at all to me. I’m going to stay away from her..... On the way home i asked her if she’d like me to leave her alone and just not talk to her. She said, “I’d like you to stay out of my life.” I said to her, “Well, to tell you the truth, I’d love to do that. Unfortunately, though, Dad and I are legally responsible for you, we are your parents, and we love you. So we really don’t have a choice right now.”

She will be angry and sullen until she wants something. Then she will break her vow of silence, stop spreading venom everywhere, and possibly become cooperative enough to get what she’s asking for. We’ve been through this cycle enough times that I know what to expect.

I have found that adoptive parenting, especially with teens who are bent on self-destruction, is all a matter of controlling us, as opposed to them. I have to control my mouth, control my emotional response, not get involved in power struggles, and self-differentiate. I have to remain as even as I can, as cheerful as possible without seeming fake, and navigate my way through the stress without letting it take over. And that is easier said than done.

But today I got an A-. I managed my anxiety, controlled my mouth (only said three or four different things that I didn’t intend to say, which for me is miraculous) and I am slowly getting myself back on an even keel emotionally. I have remained unplussed and non-responsive to the mean things she has done and said and I have managed to stay away from her enough to keep her happy.

As i said, only 5.5 hours until bedtime :-)