Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Being Wrong

I don't like being wrong. In fact, it bothers me quite a bit. While I want people to confront me, it's not a pleasant process for me to be confronted.

I deleted yesterday's blog entry because to rewrite it and explain it would be very difficult for me at this point. But a commenter pointed out the way it sounded to him, and when I re-read it I agreed.

There is a downside to having an Iphone. I looked at my email from the Y and the comment threw off my day because I was embarrassed and ashamed at the way it came across. I spent the whole time I was lifting weights debating what I should do.

One option is to quit blogging, which I am tempted with too often. WIth a personality like mine, with a mouth like a loose cannon, I'm really taking a lot of risks by putting myself out there. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. But it has become therapuetic for me and hopefully helpful to a few, so I am going to disregard option one.

Option 2 was to go ahead and post the comment and then respond to it. However, the chances of being further misunderstood in my attempts to explain were too great.

Option 3 was to email the person privately, which would be my preference, and hopefully come to an understanding and apologize personally, but there was no access to do that as the commenter did not have a profile.

Option 4 is to delete the post, apologize, and try to be more careful in the future. That is my decision.

The point that I was making in the post may have been understood by a few people who know me, but most likely was offensive to most. My point was this:

If you are adopting older kids from the foster care system because you believe that you will be personally rewarded or priased and thanked by your children, there are other things you could do with your time. If you believe that there is a guarantee that if you love them enough, pour enough of yourself into them, and give them your all they will "turn out fine" then you need to find another thing to invest your life in. There are many other ventures where the "success rate" is much higher and the outcomes a more solid guarantee.

To anyone who was offended by my words yesterday, I apologize.

There are days when the outcomes are so discouraging (like yesterday) that we wonder why we chose this path. We ask ourselves that question because it sure isn't feeling like it was a good idea. For those of you who parent hard kids, you get this feeling I'm sure. But that doesn't mean that we wouldn't do it again. It doesn't mean that we don't love and cherish our children. It's frustration, inadequacy and discouragement that can lead to momentary disparity.

But last night, after that particularly discouraging day, we had a pretty good night at our house. We had a family dinner with minimal strife, I gave and received many hugs, I helped three different people with homework, while Bart helped two others, and we began to feel more positive.

As many of you know, it's not about the absence of negative emotion and frustration, but it's about overcoming them with positive. It's about getting up and doing it again the next day even when you're tired. It's about a remembering the reasons why we do what we do.

And it's about admitting your wrong, to the public when necessary, and blogging again.


marythemom said...

I read your last post and totally got what you meant. I had to reread it to try to understand what the commenter was talking about. We all have down days -times when we question why we are even doing this. Times when we wonder if we are having any effect at all. Times when we think we made a big mistake.

If your posts were full of only sweetness and successes I wouldn't get as much out of them. Seeing you "recover" from a down day (or week, or event) helps me take a deep breath and regroup when I'm experiencing the same.

Please don't censor your posts based on one comment. Address the concern if you feel it's valid, or delete it, but please don't become a Pollyanna.

Mary in TX

Mom to biokids Ponito(10) and his sister Bob(12)
Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE 11/06
Finally finalized on Kitty(13) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
Finalized on her brother Bear 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.
" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Ours said...

I didn't read your blog or the comment from yesterday, but can say I have never been offended by anything you have posted about in the past.
Keep on blogging!

Being the foster mom of 4 teens, I need your inspiration and need to know that (somedays) someone is out there getting what we do and why we do it! And nice to know that we aren't alone.

Ours said...

I didn't read your blog or the comment from yesterday, but can say I have never been offended by anything you have posted about in the past.
Keep on blogging!

Being the foster mom of 4 teens, I need your inspiration and need to know that (somedays) someone is out there getting what we do and why we do it! And nice to know that we aren't alone.

Claudia said...

Thanks for your encouragement. But how did you read the post again if I deleted it? ;-)

I won't become a polyanna. Don't know how to be one. But sometimes stripping your soul naked in front of the world can be a bit taxing, especially with my lack of a good filter between my brain and my mouth -- or, in this case, my brain and my fingers.


debbie said...

claudia, i read it also and just took it as a frustrated mom. i have followed your blog for years and i have commented before that people need to understand that these blogs are just "blinks" of time in a families day and we should not judge the whole situation on that. the overall tone of your blog, to me, is someone who is trying very hard, everyday to learn how to parent in the best way possible for these kids. i do give you credit for putting yourself out there. chin up and i hope you have a good day!

Aubrey said...

Geez. Don't you just love anonymous comments? It's interesting to me when someone wants to be confrontational or critical and hides behind a cloud of anonymity to do so. It's a shame that not everyone can be as courageous as you to really "put themselves out there" and speak from the heart - good, bad or indifferent.

Perception is everything and someone not living in your world might have misunderstood but anyone reading for a while would know exactly what you meant.

After reading your post yesterday, I meant to email you and tell you my thoughts. I(because I know you are always DYING to hear them). I thought what an honor it is to be chosen by God for such an enormous and often unrewarding task of raising children who desperately need unconditional love and are often unable to return it. God knows your heart, and Bart's, and knows that you are who is best for those kids and that you will be faithful to Him to follow through and give them that love.


Other Mother said...

I totally agree with the above comments. I read the post yesterday, and had to read all of today's post to figure out what you were talking about, because I didn't remember anything amiss from yesterday. I "got" what you meant then, as well as today. Some days we laugh, some days we cry, and some days we're a little sarcastic with our friends. Those who walk in similar shoes, understand.

Sheri said...

Claudia, When I first started reading your blog a few years ago I was taken aback and thought "my word, I can't believe she just blogged that." That lasted for about 2 minutes then I realized that you and I are two peas in a pod!

I think your honesty and your loose cannon of a mouth are a breath of fresh air. I think you have a wonderful heart and I for one think you are a saint!

Thanks for not picking option one (I nearly fainted)

Here's to a good day!

Brandon said...

I totally understood your blog yesterday. We've got kids in the same situation. That's why we read your blog. It encourages us to know that someone else out there understands what we go through. I've had those "should have raised dogs" days, too! But even during those days, I wouldn't change anything that we did. The only thing I'd like to change is the opportunity to have the first 3, 14, 8, 10, 1, 15, 18, & 6 years with my kids. But, since we can't change things, we can at least "vent" to our support network occasionally.

Don't feel bad about yesterday's blog! You're doing a great service for these kids. They're alive! Can't always guarantee that would be the case otherwise.

As you know we are promised that if we "train a child in the way he should go, and when he i old he will not turn from it." (Prov. 22:6 NIV) It doesn't say life will be perfect.

Bottom line... KEEP BLOGGING!!! It is a blessing to even those of us that you've never met!

Timothy Martinez said...

Here I am. Sorry for the lack of profile. I have just updated and added my information.
I posted just as quickly,and in haste as I believe Claudia did. When I read her Original post, I was blind sided by the comments made.
I came to this blog via my position as a adoptive contact and support team member.
I have four wonderful kids. Are they perfect? NO! am I, not even close. however, as an adult, I have to protect my kids from all the negativity and harshness in this world. I am not talking about Claudia's post by the way.
Anyone who thinks being a loose cannon,talking about kids, is a breath of fresh air.. I must simply disagree. I hope all that read this blog will ask themselves, Why do I do what I do? And lift up the kids in there home and protection, because it is the right thing to do and the Adult thing to do.

Angela :-) said...

I second Sheri! Thanks for not picking option one. :-)

I, too, had to read almost your whole post today to even figure out what you had deleted from yesterday. I couldn't even remember what I'd read. Obviously, it didn't stick out in my mind.

And, you may want to correct this line from today's post: "It does mean that we don't love and cherish our children."

before someone gets their panties in a bunch, not realizing the typo.

Angela :-)

Claudia said...

Thanks for all the encouraging comments. I've corrected my typo.

And thanks, Timothy, for coming back and identifying yourself and explaining yourself.

Sometimes I forget that the blog is going out to people who don't know me.... and I do need to be reminded to be more careful.

Rose Adoption Journey said...


I want you to know that you are supported by a number of people here that truly understand HOW and WHAT you go through from time to time. Heavens, you and Bart are saints because my TWO drive me crazy sometimes!! I cant imagine more than that....that is why God gave those precious souls to you two not me.

If you cant be free to express whatever crazy things you experience on a bad day....what then would one do??
You go girl...there is nothing on your blogs that most of have not thought or felt if we are really honest. Raising kdis who have been abused is not fun all the time.

And Timothy...all of us on here think we have wonderful kids. We wouldnt have them if we thought otherwise...but this is a place to vent and express our frustration among friends who understand our pain!! Don't judge until you walk in someone else's shoes please!

Claudia I commend you for doing the adult thing in your response!
Love you girl!

Mary said...

I read your post yesterday but not the comments. Please don't stop blogging.

Through your honesty and perserverance, I know that I can get through my down days too.

Keep blogging!

Mary said...

I read your post yesterday but not the comments. Please don't stop blogging.

Through your honesty and perserverance, I know that I can get through my down days too.

Keep blogging!

Timothy Martinez said...

Claudia, I hope you have a wonderful day.
As we can both see now, it is easy to be mis-understood. I thank you for you replies, and your maturity. And if you took my disagreement with your comments as Judgment, I am truly sorry. I wholeheartedly agree with the reply from Debbie.
I hope to take the time to get to know you, and you, I. Looks like you have a great support system here. Keep up the "GOOD" fight!
Please feel free to contact me off line if you would like to talk or message.

Linda B. said...

I must have read your post yesterday, but truthfully I can't remember it! I read you every day. I learn from you because I can trust that you will be real. Please continue to be that way Claudia. By the way, not remembering your post yesterday has nothing to do with the level of quality. It is purely my overwhelmed brain at the moment!

marythemom said...

I get your blog through my Google Reader, which means I don't actually go to your website unless I want to comment or read the comments. Usually once my reader downloads a post, it stays there - that's how I was able to go back and reread your post.

Thanks for not giving up on blogging!

Mary in Texas

Angela said...

don't quit blogging
adopting a difficult child is the most difficult thing I have ever done and if I'd known what it involved maybe I wouldn't have done it
doesn;t mean it wasn;t worth it though