Sometimes It's Enough or "What Might Have Been"

Sometimes, when I read a blog or hear a story about a family who did things "the normal way" I get a twinge of something. I'm not sure it's regret, but it's a wondering.... what if Bart and I would have focused on having a child or two by birth? For one thing, however many children we would have, the oldest now would be 10. I think sometimes about what they might have been like, if they would be "turning out" different.

But then the chorus of Lonestars song comes to mind

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been

And I realize there is no point in the wondering. I firmly believe that our children, yes, even the ones giving us the most grief, were supposed to be, and are supposed to be, fover, our children. I love them as much as if not more than I would have children to whom I gave birth. And I am blessed to be their mom.

But after reading An Unlit Path I was most struck by the last page which was a letter from the youngest child in a sibling group where the older children nearly killed them emotionally (with fear they might physically). He said that maybe they had gone through everything they went through for him.

Cindy, in her older child adoption blog seems to have similar feelings as she wrote this morning

I have a very challenging sibling group now that I’m not certain will respond to me in any positive manner anytime soon, even though they’ve been here for five long, tough years. They have one brother who is smart and adorable and the thought of him being stunted and frustrated in the foster care system is sometimes the only thought I can mange to hang on to in order to continue attempting to parent them each day.

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I feel this way about Sadie. Maybe it is enough to have gone through this if she is able to make good choices and take advantage of what we offer. It sure looks as though the pain Mike caused may be made up for by Kyle.

And sometimes what we get is enough to offset the pain. So I try not to think of what might have been and instead focus on the good parts of what is, holding on to the thought that in ten years there very may well be more good parts to rejoice in that bad parts to mourn.