Momentary Emotional Paralysis

I can be gliding along through my day, busily going here and there, getting work done, and BOOM, something happens and all the sudden I’m shut down, emotionally paralyzed. Most of the times this happens, it has to do with one of our children who has been involved with the county and it takes my down a road of thinking about what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen.

I have heard from John once since he left home. He sent a card that said only, I’m sorry. I love you. I had not yet answered it for many reasons, including the county’s decision that we not have contact with John. They had said he could write, but I was unclear as to whether or not we should be writing back, and was going to find out from the county if I should answer or not.. (See, I’m already getting defensive even here after all we’ve been through).

I was speeding along having a fairly good day. I got up early and got work done this morning, had 3 school conferences, worked another couple hours, had lunch with some friends (I’ll post some cute pictures later -- my camera is in the van -- and then came home and was buzzing along, answering emails (my inbox was at 12 when I quite working last night, and was up to 124 by noon, even with me answering it for several hours this a.m.).

I’m clipping along at a pretty good pace when the mail comes in. A letter from John. The first line says, “I love you and I’m sorry. I know what I did was wrong.” The rest of the letter is all about what he wants us to buy him and mail him. He wants us to come watch him play football. Since then I’ve been fairly frozen.

I could go through a detail all of the reasons why I’m not sure how to respond to the letter, but I don’t think I will list it all. The bottom line is that history has me confused and caught in a corner. Either direction we have moved for the last two years has always been the wrong one and caused us to be the reason for John’s behavior in someone else’s eyes. I know that regardless of how I respond, someone will be critical. I have been conditioned to question every decision I make and to dread the outcome of any action I choose.

So I sit at my desk, frozen, unable to decide what to do with the situation and incapable of moving on to anything else. And I hate it when this happens.