A parent is a person who makes a unilateral commitment to unconditionally commit to a child for a lifetime..
I blogged about this quote back in October as I was talking about why I would adopt again.
But I have been reminded of these words again and again in the past few weeks as I have been helping individuals with new adoptive placements navagate their way through difficult behaviors and inducement.
Yesterday I was talking to a family who said, "I just don't think he wants to be here. He is not invested at all emotionally in our family." And they are exactly right.
And that is where I come to the idea of a unilateral commitment. I am attempting lately to get new adoptive parents to view their newly placed child as an infant. Parents of birth children when their infant turned two months old would never report, "I just don't think our child is investing anything in this relationship. He gives nothing back. He's very selfish."
Exactly. And he isn't going to. For a long time. Maybe ever.
But who wants to hear this? Who wants to make a completely unselfish choice to love a child -- ONE SIDEDLY-- for a lifetime regardless of whether or not that child ever gives back?
Almost nobody.
And that is exactly why 4.9% of all children in foster care are going to age out without a family. It is true that the system failing them in their ability to be accountable for the children while they are in care. However, in addition there are so few indidivuals who are willing to make that kind of a commitment that might make life hard.
When I talk to people about adoption I often use the phrase, "Willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause" as I feel this is a very accurate descriptor.
A unilateral commitment to love a child for a lifetime does not mean allowing a child to forever take advantage of you. It does not mean always letting them live with you. But it does mean loving them for a lifetime and never giving up, regardless of that child's behavior.
It isn't always easy, or fun to do. But everyone needs someone who loves them like that. Everyone.
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