In response to this comment I would like to share my definition of family.
I believe that family consists of anyone who you are committed to OR who are committed to you for life. In some situations this commitment isn’t necessarily intentional (do you remember when you first realized that parenting was FOREVER?) When people are related by blood, it isn’t always a volitional commitment made.
But this kind of commitment can be a voluntary one -- where parents choose to legally adopt a child or even to provide permanency in other ways. it can be a friend and not even a family member who makes this commitment.
I have a huge family -- wonderful parents by birth, ten children through adoption, a husband through marriage vows that I meant and will keep, and many friends over the years. These friends are people that I am committed to for life and they are to me. Some of them I haven’t seen in 10 years, but I know if I were to show up on their doorstep dirt poor, sick, or even mentally ill, they would take me in and provide me with a home. And I would do the same for them.
So I think that family is not a feeling, though there certainly are feelings involved. I think there are “families” created by birth that don’t have that commitment and thus aren’t would not fit into my definition of family.
And one more thought -- I think that it is great if the commitment works both ways -- where both parties are committed to each other. But this doesn’t always happen, as we well know. A couple examples come to mind:
1) Us parenting our RAD kids. We are very committed to them, but they do not return the commitment, but that still doesn’t mean that in OUR eyes, they are not our family.
2) The other interesting twist is that while our children’s birthparents were not, or could not be, committed to them, some of our kids are still committed to their birth parents and thus they still view them as “family.” This leads to many adopted kids moving in with their birth families, regardless of what conditions they are living in, when they turn 18.
I believe that family consists of anyone who you are committed to OR who are committed to you for life. In some situations this commitment isn’t necessarily intentional (do you remember when you first realized that parenting was FOREVER?) When people are related by blood, it isn’t always a volitional commitment made.
But this kind of commitment can be a voluntary one -- where parents choose to legally adopt a child or even to provide permanency in other ways. it can be a friend and not even a family member who makes this commitment.
I have a huge family -- wonderful parents by birth, ten children through adoption, a husband through marriage vows that I meant and will keep, and many friends over the years. These friends are people that I am committed to for life and they are to me. Some of them I haven’t seen in 10 years, but I know if I were to show up on their doorstep dirt poor, sick, or even mentally ill, they would take me in and provide me with a home. And I would do the same for them.
So I think that family is not a feeling, though there certainly are feelings involved. I think there are “families” created by birth that don’t have that commitment and thus aren’t would not fit into my definition of family.
And one more thought -- I think that it is great if the commitment works both ways -- where both parties are committed to each other. But this doesn’t always happen, as we well know. A couple examples come to mind:
1) Us parenting our RAD kids. We are very committed to them, but they do not return the commitment, but that still doesn’t mean that in OUR eyes, they are not our family.
2) The other interesting twist is that while our children’s birthparents were not, or could not be, committed to them, some of our kids are still committed to their birth parents and thus they still view them as “family.” This leads to many adopted kids moving in with their birth families, regardless of what conditions they are living in, when they turn 18.
2 comments:
Thanks - good thoughts, similar to my own, and well stated. I especially like the viewpoint on the one-way commitment that includes the way our a-kids may feel about their b-parents.
We have our own answer to the family question:
family vs. Family
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