For five years we have been at this point periodically with John. From the days when was only 11 and threatening to kill people and throwing hammers at my head and breaking things, we have asked ourselves “how much is too much?”
After 5 psychiatric hospitalizations, two foster homes, shelter care, a lock down detention facility, and 7 months at a boys ranch, we are back to the same point again. Except that each time the odds are higher.
This time I am personally in a real quandary because I see the odds so high on both sides. On the one side there is all the things that John has to lose this time. His job, the football season, the best school setting he’s had in years, his birthsisters and their belief that we would be giving up on him and abandoning him.
But on the other side the odds are so high as well. Are Bart and I safe? Are the other children safe? Do we have the money to continue to pay for the things he breaks? Will he take his medication? Will he respect the house rules? How does his behavior effect the others in the home? Are we going to lose his sisters in the process because their loyalty to him makes them feel like they need to rebel?
If John were my husband, I would be moving the kids and I out of here. But he’s my son that I have invested so much in.
The thing that worries me the most about this situation is that I don’t have the answer. I am a very quick, sure-of-myself decision maker. I almost always know the right thing to do, according to brilliant me,
The last time we went through this exact same decision was three months ago to the day. John had been in the psych hospital, but got influenza and was discharged. We had already decided he couldn’t come back home but there he was, already home, so having him removed was a bit different than saying he couldn’t returned. Obviously, he was saved by the influenza and we’ve given it another try.
Now three months later we’re back to the same point. And no matter how many times I run this through my mind, I don’t like either option.
After 5 psychiatric hospitalizations, two foster homes, shelter care, a lock down detention facility, and 7 months at a boys ranch, we are back to the same point again. Except that each time the odds are higher.
This time I am personally in a real quandary because I see the odds so high on both sides. On the one side there is all the things that John has to lose this time. His job, the football season, the best school setting he’s had in years, his birthsisters and their belief that we would be giving up on him and abandoning him.
But on the other side the odds are so high as well. Are Bart and I safe? Are the other children safe? Do we have the money to continue to pay for the things he breaks? Will he take his medication? Will he respect the house rules? How does his behavior effect the others in the home? Are we going to lose his sisters in the process because their loyalty to him makes them feel like they need to rebel?
If John were my husband, I would be moving the kids and I out of here. But he’s my son that I have invested so much in.
The thing that worries me the most about this situation is that I don’t have the answer. I am a very quick, sure-of-myself decision maker. I almost always know the right thing to do, according to brilliant me,
The last time we went through this exact same decision was three months ago to the day. John had been in the psych hospital, but got influenza and was discharged. We had already decided he couldn’t come back home but there he was, already home, so having him removed was a bit different than saying he couldn’t returned. Obviously, he was saved by the influenza and we’ve given it another try.
Now three months later we’re back to the same point. And no matter how many times I run this through my mind, I don’t like either option.
2 comments:
You never give up, and you never surrender.
BUT, you also need to keep your family members safe. It seems that your son has demonstrated the kind of behavior he's going to exhibit, and you need to keep the rest of your kids safe. Love him, care for him, but let him live elsewhere as it seems he's too dangerous to continue to stay at home.
He's breaking more than your property. If he continues to stay in your home, he's teaching your other kids that problems can be solved by violence, or threats of violence. He's teaching your sons they can grow up to be bullies, and he's teaching your daughters that they should placate abusive people.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know these decisions aren't easy to make, but in the long run you have to do what will keep the majority of your family safe.
I have to agree wtih fosterabba. There is NO WAY I would let him come home. I think you are going to have to love him from a far. I could not, and would not live like that. I, too, am sorry you have to go through this and make these decisions. Obviously, it's easy for me to say because I have nothing invested.
To me, letting him come home would be like negotiating with terrorists...
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