Very seldom do I do what I am supposed to as an adoptive parent, but tonight I did. I was able to turn everything around. John had been stuck on school shopping all day -- and he can’t get something out of his head once it is in there. I told him that I had to do the taxes so we would have to wait until tomorrow. Since school doesn’t start here for over a month, it’s not like we were in crunch time.
So, after the horrible meal we had, I was feeling pretty bleak. But as I was finishing my taxes, I looked across the desk at John and said, “It looks like things are going better than I thought. I know that you don’t want to do the dishes. And you don’t have to. I can do them for you. However, if I do them, I will not have time to go school shopping.”
I continued. “The good news is, that I need toner for the copier, so if you want me to take you school shopping I can do that. But that means you’ll have to do the dishes.”
He responded with “there are too many of them, I don’t want to do them.” To which I responded, “That’s perfectly fine. I don’t mind doing them for you, but I won’t have time to do any school shopping with you.”
(If you have ever been to any adoptive parenting workshops, you know this is exactly how they teach you to do things. I just don’t always remember to do it, or I’m too stuck in some dumb entrenched argument and I can’t pull myself out).
Anyway, I then went in to deal with Jimmy. He was having a fit because his consequences were that he couldn’t be in the same room with the two kids who were threatening to kill him. Apparently, he has a death wish, because those consequences are what sent him into a rage. So, I went in and said to JImmy, “You don’t like your consequences?”
“NO!” I said, OK, let’s do the opposite. Instead, you HAVE to be in the same room with John and you need to help him do dishes and clean the kitchen.“ And I guess that consequence was OK.
So, 15 minutes later, taxes were almost done (besides the copying) and the kitchen was clean. I went to get toner, John and I had a nice time getting some shopping done, and I came home in a fine mood.
So, once very ten to 12 days I can actually act like I tell all the people that I train that they should act when parenting tough kids. It’s only taken me 10 years to get to this point, but when I can do it, it makes me feel like I’m getting somewhere.
So, after the horrible meal we had, I was feeling pretty bleak. But as I was finishing my taxes, I looked across the desk at John and said, “It looks like things are going better than I thought. I know that you don’t want to do the dishes. And you don’t have to. I can do them for you. However, if I do them, I will not have time to go school shopping.”
I continued. “The good news is, that I need toner for the copier, so if you want me to take you school shopping I can do that. But that means you’ll have to do the dishes.”
He responded with “there are too many of them, I don’t want to do them.” To which I responded, “That’s perfectly fine. I don’t mind doing them for you, but I won’t have time to do any school shopping with you.”
(If you have ever been to any adoptive parenting workshops, you know this is exactly how they teach you to do things. I just don’t always remember to do it, or I’m too stuck in some dumb entrenched argument and I can’t pull myself out).
Anyway, I then went in to deal with Jimmy. He was having a fit because his consequences were that he couldn’t be in the same room with the two kids who were threatening to kill him. Apparently, he has a death wish, because those consequences are what sent him into a rage. So, I went in and said to JImmy, “You don’t like your consequences?”
“NO!” I said, OK, let’s do the opposite. Instead, you HAVE to be in the same room with John and you need to help him do dishes and clean the kitchen.“ And I guess that consequence was OK.
So, 15 minutes later, taxes were almost done (besides the copying) and the kitchen was clean. I went to get toner, John and I had a nice time getting some shopping done, and I came home in a fine mood.
So, once very ten to 12 days I can actually act like I tell all the people that I train that they should act when parenting tough kids. It’s only taken me 10 years to get to this point, but when I can do it, it makes me feel like I’m getting somewhere.
1 comment:
Claudia, I like your strategy. I will need to try that with my kids. It is amazing how a lot of times we know in our heads how to handle a situation but we choose another approach in the middle of the storm. I am learning so much from you and thank you for being so honest and forthcoming in your blog.
Post a Comment