It's Not About Me

This year I am not mentioning that it is Mother’s Day. As you may know, Mother’s Day is not a time to feel good about your mom and how much you love her when you are adopted as an older child. It is a time to think about the fact that you weren’t worth enough for the woman who gave you birth to care enough to do what it took to get you back when the county took you away.

Few adopted teens can compute that their mothers had the problem, not them. They were LITTLE KIDS. It wasn’t their fault. Having a birthmom who couldn’t care for you doesn’t compute as such and it’s a primal wound.

So we have downplayed mother’s day. We don’t have kids that are healthy enough to celebrate “birth mothers” day, so we just try to make family plans and not mention mother’s day. Kids who have made something for me quietly give it to me when we can be alone.

On Friday John brought me a plant from school and a card that said, "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, My Feet Stink, but I love you." He repeated that he loved me many times on the card. It was sweet.

Friday night Rand brought me a glass butterfly that was marked 25 cents from the dollar store he works at. It was broken though, so he got it for free. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Last night Sadie gave me this card (the topics suggested by the teacher for each page I’m sure):

My favorite food you make is black beans. Because they are so juicy. And the salsa you make is so hot and good.

My favorite memory is: when you got me from New Mexico. And the hand with the chip in the bag when I was sleeping.

My favorite thing we do together is: When we talk just alone. And watch our favorite T.V. shows on Monday.

I love you because: You take good care of me. You chose me to be your daughter. YOu give me food, water, and a family. Thank you for helping me with my animal. Thank you for everything you have done.

When I speak, I tell people that parenting hurt kids is HARD and that there are few rewards. I tell them that more than likely most kids aren’t going to be grateful. I tell them that there are going to be hard days. I tell them that sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it.

But I also tell them that every once and a while there is a moment of joy. And if you can hold on to those moments, they will get you through.

Getting that card was one of those moments for me. She’s such a sweetheart. And she really does love me. And she makes me happy to be a mom. And to his credit, John loves me too. I know that he does.

And I may just hear nice words from some of the others today, but I may not. And that's OK.

And that’s enough to get me through all the rest. (And the fact that John got himself up for church this morning doesn’t hurt either).