An AHA Moment

A conversation with Tony on our way home from therapy today all the sudden helped me make perfect sense of something that happens to me on a daily basis. The words "I hate you" are slung at me at least once a day and finally, after ten and half years, I am learning to take them a little less personally. But today I figured it out.

Most of the time when my kids use these words it is after they have messed up. They have been consequenced for doing something deceitful or for hurting another person. Or possibly they want something that they realize they don't deserve and haven't earned (the opportunity always exists here to make money when you want something. Or it happens when they have had an argument with another person and are feeling frustrated and angry. The culmination of discussions when they are in this mood are the words, "I hate you Mom."

I realized today that the real emotions are "I am dissappointed in myself. I am frustrated that I can't make myself do what I know is best. I am angry that I didn't do things the way other people can or would. I am sad that even when I try hard, it doesn't work out so well."

And, even more deep seated and subconscious, "I am broken hearted that I wasn't good enough for my birthmom to want me."

The thing is, it is so much easier to say "I hate you" than it is to say "I hate me."