Things have been going fairly well in our home. Everyone has been relatively calm, moods have been OK, we haven't had any major meltdowns and the stress level has been at a low.
But two days ago I received a call from John that troubled me. He is convincing himself that he can't stay in a structured environment for the next year and half. He has to have the freedom. He has to live in a normal place where he can do what he wants. He asked me what I thought and by the time I was done he was not happy with me at all. When I tell him that he is doing well and needs to stay there, he equates that with me not believing in him or his ability to change. The sad thing is that we have been at this point multiple times and he always feels powerful and in control when he is on his meds and in a structured environment. But within days of being away from the structure he stops taking his meds and it goes downhill from there.
Then last night Mike called. No contact from him for a month, is back in our own town and doesn't even have decency to tell us that he is here, and then he calls asking if he can stay here. I told him no, but got him off the phone quickly because there were four kids gathered around me and they could tell he was saying things that were upsetting him. So I told him that he needed to call back during the day.
Letting him come home is too much of a risk and regardless of the facts, we are still his parents and we still love him and we area always tempted to give him a chance. We didn't adopt him so that he would be homeless at eighteen, but we can't put the other children through the anxiety that he creates when he lives here and they know that at any minute their belongings could be gone, he could be doing drugs in the house, or he could be sneaking weird people in at all hours of the night. if he was our youngest child, this might be different, but there are 6 kids here younger than him who he manipulates to no end. One night right before he left for CD treatment we came home to find Sadie wandering around the house spraying perfume to cover up the marijuana smoke because he asked her to do it. They can't say no to him.
So now we wait and see what his next move will be. He has parents who love and care about him, but he can't live here and as long as he is using and refusing to go to school and work, we can't support him financially either or we'll just enable his lifestlye.
It's a position I never wanted to be in because there is no good option.
1 comment:
Claudia and Bart,
I'm sorry to hear that it's come to this. I started coming to your blog because I was researching information on FASD for a documentary feature I'm making. First off, thank you for writing all of this because it gives a great perspective for other families struggling with FASD kids.
In regards to Mike, it's clear that what he needs is a structured environment where someone reminds him of what he needs to do and when. It sounds from your description like he has problems with short-term memory and understanding cause and effect, so it would have to be a facility that's familiar with FASD. That way, when he inevitably steals or confabulates stuff, they know how to handle it.
The problem is that in this society we don't really have many centers that would work for someone with FASD. One of the reasons that I want to bring more attention to this issue is that we clearly need some sort of solution like this for adults living with FASD. As it is now, they are doomed to violate law and go to prison, which then becomes that structured environment.
It's depressing that our society doesn't have a place for people like Mike. I hate to think that there is no hope for FASD kids other than full-time parental support or jail.
Looking for real-life solutions then becomes very important. Perhaps there is a friend of the family that could provide the "external forebrain" Mike clearly needs. Is there anyone he can stay with where he is not in the position of being able to steal?
A halfway house where the staff actually understands FASD would be best, but unfortunately there is not enough understanding of this disorder. That's probably why he didn't find success at the last facility.
Let me know if there's anything I can do to help!
-Mike
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