Mike called twice tonight. He is pleading to come home to live here. He's messed up his ankle and he can't get a job without a permanent address.
I told him I felt bad for him. And I do. I told him that I love him and that it is hard for me to say no, which is true. But I told him that we could not go through the cycle one more time. I told him that we would be willing to help him find another treatment center, that we could tell him who to talk to at the county to get services, that we would give him a ride to Job Corp if he could get in. But we could not give him our money and he could not live here.
He said the same thing he has said for the past 3 years. If we let him come home, THIS time he won't use. THIS time he won't drink. THIS time he won't steal from us. THIS time he won't be out past his curfew. THIS time he will follow all the rules.
But we've heard it all before. And now that he is 18, he is out of chances. But the problem is, he never was before. We always gave him just one more chance . . . and now we have to put the younger children first. And even though he doesn't believe me, they have all admitted to me that it is very stressful for them when he is living here. Not knowing where he is, what he's doing, or if their stuff is safe wears on them. Having him ask them to cover for him when he is breaking the law or getting high is too hard for someone who is 11 or 12.
So I had to tell him no. I was glad that he was not mean . . . he was despondent and sad. But maybe that makes it harder.
I think he thought he had an unlimited number of chances. But he didn't and now he's out. And I'm not sure which position is harder -- the one who hears the words "you can't come home" or the one who has to say them.
2 comments:
If your state has a National Guard Youth Challenge program, he can also get in there while he's still 18. My dd starts the first class ever in IN July 8. My son starts Job Corps July 24.
The only helpful suggestion I can come up with is perhaps get more specific with what he needs to do. For example, have phone numbers ready of shelters to call, have contacts ready at substance abuse programs he'd qualify for, know the location of job training programs and offer to specifically drive him there, know where the nearest free clinic is that he can go get his ankle treated, etc.
The reason I suggest this is that he probably doesn't have the organizational skills necessary to take charge of his own health care, substance abuse problem, and life path. He most likely needs specific guidance, and he may never be able to do that stuff no matter how much "tough love" is involved.
As always, I'm hoping for the best for you! Stay positive.
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