Yesterday morning, after I had blogged about Dominyk’s future, I went to wake him up. I looked at his face, and the memories of the past and the fears of the future came pouring in and I started to cry. I was singing a song to him, “Have I told you lately that I love you. have I told you there’s no one else above you.... and he looked so peaceful, and lovable, and calm. And I thought about my blog entry, and his history, and his future, and I cried.
Then I checked out Kari’s blog to find that she had been crying in her coffee yesterday too.
This morning things aren’t better, but worse. I’m feeling quite hopeless. Last night involved a 2:00 a.m. encounter with the same police officers, along with firemen and EMTs ... but not for Mike, for someone else who would be very unhappy if I blogged details. If you want to email me for them I can provide them.
The unnamed person this morning is trying to pin last nights actions somehow on me and there is very little oxygen to breathe in our home today. Meanwhile, Dominyk and Tony are not responding well to med changes, I found out about a deliberate act of disobedience on the part of Sadie, Rand had the worst meltdown I’ve seen him have in a long time last night, and Bart and I are both tired, anxious and not feeling all that positive about much of anything. I have court to dread on Monday, and based on what has happened this past week this is the absolute worse timing possible for John to be moving back to our town, so I probably will be forced to speak up, even if it doesn’t help.
When I decided that this blog was going to be ”gut level honest“, I never realized that we were going to have such a lousy couple of years. I am often tempted not to write when I feel this low, but then it wouldn’t be a clear picture of what things are like.
Today I am emotionally and physically exhausted and don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. But as you can see from reading the history of this blog, this too shall pass... one way or another.
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