I am instant messaging Salinda right now. She has no access to the internet anymore because of her mistake, but I am allowing her to instant message with the knowledge that I will read every conversation. And it's interesting, but sometimes Salinda and I have our best conversations on line, so I was cutting out that form of communication.
She changed her screen name so that it said the title of this post. And I responded that we all feel that way sometimes. Erasing the past would be a great thing.
I am thinking about how much I would like to erase the future right now though. Just a week of it. The coming week where I am trying to get ready for a trip to Washington State, where I am parenting 7 children who are out of school, where I need to participate in a family meeting with Mike at chemical dependency treatment, where I need to make two home visits far from here. Just a lot there to not look forward to.
Sometimes I think that I would love to be able to focus on just one thing: either parenting or being a professional. I'm sure that most working mothers feel that way, because there is guilt on either side. When I feel like I am doing a great job at work, I feel like I'm not parenting well. And when I feel like I'm doing a great job as a parent, work suffers. It's a tough dichotomy.
But for me I know I have to do both. It's not just a financial issue, but it's about self esteem. Parenting is something that doesn't have instant rewards and there aren't a lot of thanks floating around. I need my work so that I can see progress. I need to work so that I can feel like I'm doing a good job at something. I need to finish a presentation and be told that I'm a great speaker. I need to write a homestudy and have my boss tell everyone at work that the study was an example of a great intro to a study. I need to match a kid with a family when I know in my gut that it's right. I need to feel satisfaction.
In parenting, the rewards are sporadic and sometimes not until much after the activity. And the feedback I often get is not positive. Lots of the anger that my kids have boiling inside is taken out on me.
So, I am glad that I have a full life. I'm glad that I have both. Even though it's hard and overwhelming sometimes, I need to do both.
Tonight we're all going to go see a movie. And then we need to come up with some ideas for the week ahead... lots of hours to fill for everyone and mine are full enough as it is.
It's weeks like these when trying to have it all are the trickiest. But as always, we'll get by.
So, after all that, I must say, that I don't want to erase my past. I love my past and all that it has taught me and the way that it has formed me into who I am. I'd do it all again.
And fortunatetly, we can start fresh every day, without erasing the past. And that's what makes it all worthwhile.
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