Raw Emotion

Sometimes the emotions I experience in my journey are so intense and so raw that later I am not sure I should have blogged them. And yet somehow I want to remember them as being as completely overwhelming as they are.

Tonight we had an Ash Wednesday Service. (For those of you who do not share my faith, I will not be offended if you don't finish reading this post.) The service was powerful.

Everyone was appropriate at the service tonight (with the exception of a few annoying things Tony did to try to seek attention) so I actually could focus on the service itself. It was very meaningful to me.

One of the most meaningful pieces was a prayer that we prayed that I thought so clearly represented what I needed to pray:

Lord Jesus Christ, if we have looked or longed for an easier gospel, a lighter cross, a less demanding Savior, then turn our eyes and avert our longing from what we want to choose to the One who has chosen us. Forgive our unfaithfulness, and, for our better living, give us not the remedy we desire tomorrow, but the grace you offer today.

Oh how I needed to pray that prayer tonight. With facing Mike's intake tomorrow, I have so been looking for an easier route than the one we have taken.

And in closing, after ashes were imposed and communion was partaken, we sang this song that I think is so completely fitting for all of us who find ourselves loving, forgiving, and praying for healing for our damaged children. It was written by Michael Perry.

Heal me, hands of Jesus, and search out all my pain;
Restore my hope, remove my fear, and bring me peace again.

Cleanse me, blood of Jesus, take all bitterness away;
Let me forgive as one forgiven, and bring me peace today.

Know me, mind of Jesus, and show me all my sin;
Dispel the memories of guilt, and bring me peace within.

Fill me, joy of Jesus, anxiety shall cease,
and heaven's serenity be mine, for Jesus brings me peace.

It covers it all -- restoring hope, removing fear, taking away biterness, allowing me to forgive, dispelling guilt, ceasing anxiety, filling me with joy, bringing me peace. These are the emotions I have found in parenting kids with attachment disorders. Those are the needs I have. This is me.

So that's my prayer. I need the healing. I need my hope restored. I need that bitterness taken away and I need to forgive again.

And I need to contemplate my mortality and remember that I came from dust and to dust I will return.

Heal me, hands of Jesus.