Friday, March 30, 2007

That's NOT the Kind of Support I Want

I called to confront Mike today. I mentioned that his My Space activity was dangerous. I mentioned that the money we had given him was for emergencies, not for a DVD that he purchased immediately. And I told him that I was concerned about his choice to hook up with folks who were a bad influence.

He said that he didn't need my kind of support. I told him that I was attempting to determine whether or not it was possible for him to have what he wanted. I told him that if he couldn't stay away from using friends online, he couldn't have a home pass. I told him that he needed to save his money for necessities.

He told me that I wasn't supporting him at all. He told me that I got him in trouble because I told the halway house he was on My Space. Apparently it got him and some others in trouble and everyone was mad at him.

He told me that it was pathetic that I was checking on my "18 year old adult son." Funny how it isn't pathetic that my "18 year old adult son" wants our money, our visits, our phone calls.

The bottom line is that he doesn't want "tough love" support that we learned how to give in CD treatment. I won't be an enabler. I will confront.

He told me that I didn't have to do anything for him if I didn't want to. He said, "Fine then, don't "support me." And his last line was, "Why do you have to handle things? Why don't you let Dad do it?"

So, I said, "OK, if that's what you'd like, we can do that. Have a good night." And I hung up.

The problem is that his dad, my husband, doesn't like to talk on the phone. He isn't fond of putting himself in a situation where he gets blamed all the time for everything. And he calls the kids in treatment a lot less than I do. He's much more healthily self-differentiated. And he's less likely to throw cash away.

So, we'll see how that goes for a while. My guess is that by Sunday, he'll be calling here willing to talk to me, especially if he needs something.

But my ride on the hope train was short lived. He seemed so sincere on Tuesday and Wednesday, like he was really ready to accept our guidance. 48 hours later he's not interested in it at all.

It's so easy to get caught up in a cycle of blame where I'm the target. I'm trying to let it go.

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