FosterAbba asked me why we were going today. She commented that maybe we had been tortured enough. Well, we went to make a statement: We're still here for you. We love you. We forgive you. And we went, hoping to hear something that might help.
And the whole thing was SO much better than I had anticipated. We only really spent about an hour talking to MIke. The first half of the day we listened to a very knowledgable counselor with lots of interesting stories explain addiction. Then we watched a 90 minute movie about Tough Love, which I don't think we are lacking in.
The hour we spent with Mike was so good for him. He had uninterrupted time to confess to us all he had done, explain his feelings about each of us, tell us what he was grateful for, etc. He had spent days preparing several written lists and the conversation went well.
I don't know what the future holds, but this is the first time that Mike has accepted accountability for his actions. It's the first time he has taken time to try to understand himself. He has journalled until he had writers cramp. And it has all paid off.
We got to say some things we needed to say. We got to remind him that we were proud of him. We got to show him that he still has parents. And we got to explain to him that maybe returning to our home wont' ever be his best option, but that we can be his parents from afar.
When we left, we all felt better than we had in years. And, even if things don't stay good, we had a positive day today.
We hoped this might happen and that is why we went. And this time, we were not disappointed.
6 comments:
That's great to hear. But aren't you worried that by constantly labeling him as FASD (you even made it a tag on your post) you're making him feel worse about his situation, and more hopeless?
I tag it that way so that people who are reading my blog and have children with FASD can read more about those that it affects.
And no. I think more than anything, knowing that he has FASD is a relief to Mike because it helps him understand why he does what he does. The more he understands about FASD, it seems, the more hopeful he is -- because it helps him to make sense of things.
Claudia, you are dead on about your FASD label and reasons.
Thanks for the reply Claudia. If he's okay with it I suppose that's good. Sometimes FASD can be hard to diagnose and it would be a shame if he were hurt by that all his life, only to discover later on that there were other reasons for his behavioral problem. Also, some parents unintentionally hurt their kids by bringing up that something is "wrong" with them when they misbehave. It's almost as though they're verbally punishing their children by calling them "disabled" when they misbehave.
I really enjoy your blog.
Yay! Glad it went well.
Claudia,
I am so glad for you and I admire your drive to still let Mike know you support and encourage him. We know what his life probably holds with his disorder. But I appreciate the fact that you and Bart are always reminding him that he is accepted and loved by the family that "chose" him.
You are an inspiration. It pains that it was even questioned. As a parent of a FASD child with a uncertain future I can't ever imagine making a choice "not to" do something. When I chose to adopt him and bring him into my family I chose to be there until the end. Treatment isn't the end, jail isn't the end . . . I will parent my child and show him love no mattrer what FASD chooses to send our way.
Congrats and thanks again for sharing!
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