The answer to my question this morning of why more people don’t do this is because NOBODY wants to live like this. Nobody.
But we will, and we’ll get through it... it’s just that this transition is sucking way more than I thought it might and if we can actually get moved before we’re crazy it will be a miracle.
8 comments:
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think you're right--I think not wanting to live the way you are right now is why people don't adopt traumatized kids. I think many of the people who do adopt them don't have any idea what they're getting into--and I think this is why so many adoptions disrupt when the children are adolescents. Therefore I think the answer, as you said, is families--but not adoptive families, rather the families kids already have. Many children who are removed could have remained at home with a high level of services and supports. The truth is that most of the children who become involved with the system won't be adopted; knowing this, we should be working harder to have children remain at home with HIGH QUALITY APPROPRIATE SERVICES, rather than spending the greater portion of our time, money, and energy on trying to find more adoptive homes. I know you'll disagree with me, but I do believe that is the answer.
BUT if we, as educated, resiliant, tough, knowledgeable people who know how to secure services for our children cannot parent them, how can their dysfunctional, drug and alcohol affected, mentally ill or disabled, abusive and neglectful parents help them to fend better?
When I think of my children's birth families and the dysfunction under which they live, even with high quality appropriate services (which at least one birth family was provided), they wouldn't -- and didn't -- last a bit. I'm with Claudia on this one.
As one of the children out of the situations you guys are debating, I would like to add my two cents worth. First, having worked in the social work arena it is my understanding that WAY more money is spent on all these services for families than on finding homes. More importantly, in my opinion, way more time is spent on trying to make birth parents be sober, responsible and caring, while the kids are stuck in foster care, with thier lives on hold. The reason most children are not adopted is because they have spent so many years in foster care that they become "older and unadoptable"...maybe if we gave the birth parents a time limit, after all their lives continue (they keep using drugs and doing whatever it is they do) and the children suffer, wondering if their parents will ever get it together enough to save them from the foster care system. Of course, I am not talking about the birth parents who choose to get it together and who take advantage of the services put in place to better themselves and take care of their children, rather I am talking about those who demand a bus ticket to visit their kid at DFCS, and then use that bus ticket to get to the liquor store right down the street from the DFCS office. I'd rather the bus money be spent on a recruitment video for adoptive families, where the parents will be parents...
Some children do need to be removed from their families, and I credit you both, Claudia and Mary, for the work you do. But the system could work much, much better for those families who could possibly keep and care for their children. The quality of the services we offer to those families now is very low. The poor in this country get the worst of mental health and substance abuse services; they are often "treated" by interns and recent grads who are not even licensed. Imagine a child in a family affected by mental health and substance abuse issues. Imagine a call or a visitor coming into the home in the morning, to wake the family up and ensure that the child will get the bus for school. Imagine the child having a one-on-one aide in school, and other services to ensure s/he is successful in that environment. Imagine the child going to an after-school program that ensures s/he completes his homework. Imagine the child seeing an experienced, effective, well-trained and licensed therapist during the after-school program, one who stays in the job long enough to build a relationship with the child. Imagine the child going home to find that a parent aide has spent time with his/her parents, cleaning and organizing the home, grocery shopping, getting dinner on the table, establishing an after-dinner routine that the parent and child can follow until bed-time. Imagine back-ups in place for the child--respite care for those times when mom or dad is psych hospitalized or is using, the same family or group home providing the respite care each time, the child continuing in the same school and other programs while in respite. It could work.
The state in which I live has a reputation for spending an LOT of money on services to keep kids in families. In fact, I have done foster care and watched the county provide many, many services to parents who simply did not want them, cooperate with them, or take advantage of them. The result has been that the kids in our state are more damaged, once every single service has been tried. That makes them harder to find homes for. I know of a situation right now where there have been good services in place for almost 8 years and the child is a basketcase. The birthmother is mentally ill (AntiSocial Personality DIsorder) and manipulates the system to no end while all these services are in place and the child gets more and more damaged every year.
In an ideal world where birthparents were eager and anxious to keep their children home and would work with services, this would be great -- and it is, because many, many kids are reunited with their families. But if the birthparents are not willing to copoerate, any services offered will only be abused (like Yolie's example of the bus ticket).
Obviously I could go on -- I think appropriate services ARE the answer but IF and ONLY IF the parents are truly willing to and invested in change.
Wow, Claudia, you ignited a big one. As the parent of many children whose birth parents chose not to comply with ANY services offered...and Texas offered plenty...I'm glad my children were given a chance for a family that was committed, an education, hope and security. None of which many of my children ever experienced until they were adopted as young teens. All my kids, witnesses to violence, poor choices, drugs and alcohol are grateful for their second chance at life. Even with high quality appropriate services nobody can "make" a parent be a parent when they often don't want to do so.
I have to agree Claudia. As a adoptive parent with 7 kids....I have one child who sat in foster care for 5 yrs before she was moved with us to sit for 2 more yrs before we could finalize. Im positive other kids have sat longer then her.
I love my kids thats forsure...but the longer they sat the more problems came and now we have to sort through it and some days sure suck! :)
Nature or nurture I dont know.
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