I lost it

Well, it finally happened. I cried out loud. And it had to be in the prayer circle at church during our New Worship service.

Here’s why:

Mike and John finally got home at 5:00 a.m. I had slept very little ... not just because they were gone, but because of all of the other stress in my life. And because of the potential repercussions of their actions. They had taken my bike, which is nice (hardly ever used, if you can believe that!) and I was very unhappy.

So, this morning I have bell practice at 8:15 so I have a lot of work to do to get everyone ready and coordinated. I thought I had everything timed pretty well, but when I went to wake Mike up, he said, “I’m not going to church.” Well, in this house, that DOESN“T work. But he refused to get up. ”I said I’m not f****** going to church.“ I had been keeping it all in way too long and finally just let it out about him trying to prove everyone right that he couldn’t live in a family setting and how stupid we were to have acted on our impulses of love and brought him home and given him a chance and on and on. I finally said something like I can’t believe I’m this STUPID and slammed his door.

Miraculously, he got up. I’m not sure why, but he did. And then I had to get John up, which was challenging, but not impossible. Bart called and could tell I was really stressed, so he came home to rescue me. Fortunately he did this because hardly anyone was ready and I ended up arriving late.

Mike and John proceeded to come to church and act like jerks for most of the morning. By the time we reached the end of second service, I was at the end of myself and blubbered when I was asking for prayer. First time in the whole seven years the church has really seen me cry. Hated it.

Lack of sleep, PMS, and the feeling that no matter how hard I try and how much I give it just simply IS NOT WORKING is what pushed me over the edge.

Fortunately for them, Mike did bring my bike home. John made some attention getting comment about drinking alcohol, but we think it is just a manipulative ploy.

Tomorrow we have court and Mr. Game Player is trying to see how much he can control and apparently has succeeded in manipulating the powers that be once again. But we have to go and sit there.

I am a very strong person who has a very strong faith but there are days when I wonder if this time is the time I’m going to go off the deep end.