Not sure what to blog, how much to blog, or whether to make it a never ending rant or a vague short paragraph that tells nothing. Either way I’m not sure it will make me feel any better.
Mike and John’s therapist spent some time yesterday trying to convince me of how damaging it is to the other children to have Mike in the home (or not in the home, at least most of the time, but you know what I mean). That conversation, in addition to his questioning the probation officer about ways to violate parole, made us start to wonder. But when I found out that he had snuck in the house at 3 a.m. yesterday morning and gone into his sleeping sister’s room to show her his newly pierced lip, it became more and more evident that this is not working.
Last night around 9:30 the boys were having an argument as to whether or not Mike was home. Some had sworn they saw him. Others said no. Apparently he had come home around 7 (after his birthday dinner), run in the house to grab something (probably something of ours) and ran right back out yelling to his friends in the waiting vehicle, “I got it!” Apparently he was home around 9:30 because when he saw that we had gone around and locked and shut all the windows he had opened to sneak back in, he managed to come home.
There are at least 3 children in our family who have bought into MIke’s theory of life -- that the only way to survive in our home is to disregard every rule. Kids are starting to say things like, “I don’t have to have your permission to leave this house,” and “I don’t have to follow your rules.” This is a totally new development.
And the constant stress of knowing that he will break in and out of the house at any time of day or night, that he will steal from us and destroy our property, and the inability to predict anything is really what stresses everyone out. Last night little kids were still awake at 10:30. They just can’t settle down.
I laid awake last night and started to go over the things that have happened in the last 3 weeks. It seems like 3 years. He has been able to reek havok in so many ways in such a short period of time.
This morning he started a conversation with “Did you have fun celebrating my birthday without me?” which I explained that we didn’t. He of course, tried to make us feel bad about it. One of the classic comments was, “I’m not even your real son, so get over it already.”
We think he going to push it until he self-destructs. The only question is, do we admit we were wrong, try to get him in a facility regardless of how the county decides to handle it, or do we just watch him hit bottom while our kids and us suffer daily ... as it will take him a long time.
I’m not a quitter, but I suppose at some point you just have to say, “We can’t do it” and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe we’ll just have to take his advice and “get over it already.”
5 comments:
Claudia, dear friend, admit you were wrong. Save yourself and the rest of your family from a person who is willing to destroy himself and take the rest of you with him. You will have guilt and he will not.
P.S. I know you are not a quitter.
Claudia,
I once took a child things to him. I decided that he was no longer living at our house; just storing his things there. It was not healthy for any of us. I packed up all of his things, dropped them off at the social worker's office and left him a message on his cell phone telling him how much I loved him, that we were sorry he did not make it to the counseling appointment at which we decided that the best thing for him was to live on his own, and that all of his things were with his social worker.
I do NOT know if this is the right thing for you to do.
I dropped by to visit him several times. I kept telling him that I thought he looked better, less stressed now that he was only living in one place.
He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with us this year. He also called ON his birthday so that I could ask him when he would like to come over for a birthday dinner.
Though I certainly would do a few things differently, I don't think I was ever wrong. I was not wrong to take him when I did. I was not wrong to love him and care for him. And I was not wrong to tell him that it was time for him to move on without me.
I keep reading your blog. It is filled with love. I only want to give you one suggestion:
Don't think about whether you were wrong -- think about what is the right thing to do now.
Oh Claudia, I'll be praying for your family and the decisions you will have to make about how to proceed. We all have such challenges with our unique families. In my MAPP classes, the leader had adopted 7 of her foster children, had fostered 50+ over the years, and told us about the times she has had to call and say "come pick up this child, he/she may not live here anymore". She told us about how hard it was to do that, but that it was always the other 9+ members of the family/household that she and her husband had to think of more. Ugh. I can't imagine, but I'm learning and keeping you in prayers.
I am praying for you, friend.
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