I am having a long extended, interrupted by hours or days of negative behavior, conversation with one of my children who continues to point out that she doesn't trust Bart and I. I explained to her last night that trusting is a choice that the one who trust makes. The person wanting to be trusted can be completely trustworthy, but until the other person decides to trust, nobody can force them to.
I'm thinking that the issue is about control, rather than actual trust, but I'm not sure what the root issue is. I think that she thinks we will be hurt by that remark -- and that maybe she's just trying to push buttons.
I usually ask rhetorical questions, but I need to hear from those of you with "normal" birth teenagers (if there is such a thing as a normal teenager). Is this "I don't trust you" thing an attachment, adoption issue, or do most teenagers feel like they can only trust their friends, not their parents?
I'm off to therapy for a couple kids this morning. I'm actually taking my laptop so I can work on yesterday's project while I sit in the waiting room. I don't want to lose those hours as I have so much to do today.
7 comments:
Claudia, I raised 4 children, now in their 20s and 30s. Never had those problems, bet it just goes with everything else. Hormones do cause them to go through some weird phases though, maybe with their backgrounds, that is where the hormones take them!!! You are always there, though, this too shall pass. (hopefully with minimal trauma!)
My bioboys are 12 and 17. The Permanent Placement Boys are 19, 20, and 23.
The PPB's were always more wary, always convinced that I would abandon them. One of them had been severely neglected when he was small. He learned to find adults who gave him what he need/wanted and turn away from those who didn't. Good people gave it to him; bad people didn't. I think that was a survival skill that saved his life, and his brothers lives, when they were little. But at 18 he was still that four-year-old boy. He could not distinguish between his desires and his needs, so in his mind, any failure to provide for him was a parenting failure.
MY BB's are in a different place than most biokids. Since they were 5 and 10 they have seen me hang in with kids whose behavior was sometimes extreme. They have a stronger confidence in me than I think most kids do in their parents.
b-daughter, 17; b-son, 13 next month. A-kids 19, 17, 16, 12.
It's different. B-dau - yes, she trusts us. Sometimes she thinks we're overprotective, but still she asks permission to do things. Knows we love her and have her best interest at heart.
B-son - yep, trusts absolutely.
A-kids - older two KNOW that we're giving them reasonable advice; they've seen privileges and freedom bo b-dau and what she's done to earn that; they've seen what happens when they don't take our advice or follow our rules - not just our "inflicted on them" consequences, but ones they reap themselves. They've shot themselves in the foot SO many times. Still don't get it. I do think it's a control issue as much as, or more than, anything. Dumb thing is, they can't see how they're BEING CONTROLLED by that attitude - it's not like they're actually making their own choices to get what they REALLY want.
I know I'm not a "birth" kid but my own experience as an adoptee shows a pattern of sabotaging intimacy. I don't know if that's a control issue or it's just so ingrained in me, but it's still a struggle sometimes.
Giving your trust to someone who has the power to really hurt you -- emotionally in particular -- is a very scary thing. It takes time, patience, and a lot of reassurance to gain that trust. Along the way, there will be episodes sabotaging your trust in her and it's all a test to make sure you really mean what you say and that she can trust you.
My two birth kids absolutely trust me. They both know I will be there for them, no matter what. My adopted children, however, still don't believe I will always be here. When I leave for the store, they hug me like it will be the last time they will see me. The trust is, naturally, not there yet.
It stinks because it's a double-edged sword. No one "wins" through these struggles, but eventually maturity comes through, sooner or later. Hang in there!
There is a book called "Families where Grace is in Place" by Jeff VonVanderian (sp?) I thought of it when I was reading your post.
Amie :)
Well I asked seven of my teens yesterday if they trust me....all answered 'yes'. Of the seven, three were bio and four were adopted.
I don't think that there is a pattern or formula that will fit every family or teen out there.
Slightly different perspective here -- I am my parents' biokid, and when I was a teenager they both behaved in untrustworthy ways, my father more so than my mother. I'm turning 36 this year, and not only do I not trust either of them, I have a hard time trusting all but a very few other people. My late husband (who was one of those few people) used to say that I approached life with an attitude of "I'm going to look out for myself because no one will look out for me," and he was absolutely right. So I would say that once you've learned to be suspicious, it sticks with you even after you meet people who are, in fact, deserving of your trust.
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