Where Do I Begin . . .

to tell a long long story that isn’t my own?
Bart and I have a friend. We met him in college. We have known him for almost 25 years.

Several years ago I decided his life was boring. I told him he should adopt and it would get more exciting. I was right.

Six or seven years ago he was matched and placed with an 11 year old boy with multiple diagnosis who has proven to be VERY VERY hard. He has hung in there with him through thick and thin -- psych hospitalizations, multiple arrests, drug use, juvenile detention, residential treatment. He (the dad) has been a victim of physical abuse at some points in time. But he has never stopped loving his son and never considered disrupting.

Last summer he decided to adopt again. I had him matched very quickly with what seemed like a perfect situation. The social worker was very excited. When our friend agreed to take his younger sibling as well, we were all thrilled. But there were a couple others who did not want the child matched with a single dad (even though the child had been legally free for many years and no one else was interested, especially not in both boys together, as the younger was much more difficult).

Yesterday, after our friend had met the child last month and was ready to get him, the people who were not interested in the children going to a single dad got a hold of an old police report. I will leave out the details, but in an altercation where an ambulance was called for the Dad, a few of the kids’ friends reported that during the scuffle, the dad had kicked the son.

That’s all it took. The placement is not going to happen.

I don’t have the emotional energy to describe exactly how wrong this is. The boys will now most likely be split (they have already been separated from two of their siblings). They will have yet another loss in their lives as the oldest had already begun to bond with our friend.

But even more troubling to me is the fact that an adoptive parent is being punished for sticking with a very tough kid. Had our friend disrupted the placement two or three years ago, he could get matched easily right now. But he has hung in there, loving this horribly damaged, mentally ill child through thick and thin. And his reward for sticking with a tough kid? He won’t be allowed to hang in there for another two who he was willing to parent.

I can’t keep writing about it. It makes me too angry, too frustrated, too jaded.