I made my self very clear, the Large and In Charge parenting style, that I was VERY uncomfortable with the fact that Mike had spent the night at her friends and that she had chosen not to tell me. I told her that she may not be allowed to be at the house again. When she started to argue, I said she was certainly not going to get anywhere that way and that I would give her some time to compose herself.
20 minutes later she came down and either gave me an excellent acting job (which I will accept, if it is all I can get) OR she was authentically sorry and willing to work with me.
What I need to explain is that Salinda is a people pleaser and a rescuer. Most of her friends right now are marginal kids, but not bad ones. They are kids whose parents, because of poverty or unfortunate circumstances, are unable to adequately supervise or care for their kids. They don’t have vehicles, they don’t have money, and Salinda is amazed that at times they don’t have food in the house. We, as our body sizes testify, always have plenty of food on hand.
These kids have parents who have always been marginalized as well. Many of them are single parents or involved in a second marriage. They are mixed race couples, often with white moms, whose husbands have left them. And the only way that they can make up for what they can’t provide materially is to give them lots of freedom. Sure, you’re friends can all stay at our house when they have no place else to go.
So, today I worked with Salinda and explained to her my dilemma. I am very unhappy with Mike’s choice to hang out with her 13 year old friends. I am afraid for their safety if/when he does something stupid next. I need her help in protecting them and she must be honest with me. I think she understands.
She left my office after giving me the longest hug, at her initiation, that I have had in a long time. I think that despite her defiance, that underneath it all, she respects me for not being a parent who is too afraid to get involved.
And it didn’t hurt that I offered to give her friend a ride to school and buy her a coat because last night she told me she had to stand at the bus stop in the winter with 4 hoodies on, trying to keep warm.... and since we have six inches of snow (thank's Kari, for taking pictures so I don't have to) I figured she would be pretty miserable out there.
So, one of two things happened. Either Salinda genuinely connected with me today, felt really bad for her actions, and made up with me, or she is an excellent actress. And I am determined that we cannot FORCE attitude change, but if all I can teach her is how to act respectful when she doesn’t want to, that’s a step in the right direction.
(To all of you who agree with my approach, thanks for the encouragement. And for those of you who think I’m way out in left field, thanks for not commenting anything negative).
20 minutes later she came down and either gave me an excellent acting job (which I will accept, if it is all I can get) OR she was authentically sorry and willing to work with me.
What I need to explain is that Salinda is a people pleaser and a rescuer. Most of her friends right now are marginal kids, but not bad ones. They are kids whose parents, because of poverty or unfortunate circumstances, are unable to adequately supervise or care for their kids. They don’t have vehicles, they don’t have money, and Salinda is amazed that at times they don’t have food in the house. We, as our body sizes testify, always have plenty of food on hand.
These kids have parents who have always been marginalized as well. Many of them are single parents or involved in a second marriage. They are mixed race couples, often with white moms, whose husbands have left them. And the only way that they can make up for what they can’t provide materially is to give them lots of freedom. Sure, you’re friends can all stay at our house when they have no place else to go.
So, today I worked with Salinda and explained to her my dilemma. I am very unhappy with Mike’s choice to hang out with her 13 year old friends. I am afraid for their safety if/when he does something stupid next. I need her help in protecting them and she must be honest with me. I think she understands.
She left my office after giving me the longest hug, at her initiation, that I have had in a long time. I think that despite her defiance, that underneath it all, she respects me for not being a parent who is too afraid to get involved.
And it didn’t hurt that I offered to give her friend a ride to school and buy her a coat because last night she told me she had to stand at the bus stop in the winter with 4 hoodies on, trying to keep warm.... and since we have six inches of snow (thank's Kari, for taking pictures so I don't have to) I figured she would be pretty miserable out there.
So, one of two things happened. Either Salinda genuinely connected with me today, felt really bad for her actions, and made up with me, or she is an excellent actress. And I am determined that we cannot FORCE attitude change, but if all I can teach her is how to act respectful when she doesn’t want to, that’s a step in the right direction.
(To all of you who agree with my approach, thanks for the encouragement. And for those of you who think I’m way out in left field, thanks for not commenting anything negative).
1 comment:
I, for one, think you are amazing.
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