Tonight I won big. Salinda finally pushed me over the edge this passed weekend when she was SO rude after I went out of my way to be nice to her. I have said no to her again and again this week. I don’t feel like doing nice things for her so I don’t. I told her NOTHING extra until I get treated with respect and gratitude.
So tonight she needed a shirt for a concert. We provide things for school, whether kids are being appropriate or not, as it is our responsibility as parents. We try to help kids see the connections between privilege and responsibility. In our house, you do dishes once a week, go to church, and do your best in school. In exchange for those responsibilities of being part of our family, you get food, clothing, shelter and things required for school. You also have the opportunity to do a chore once a day to earn $7.00 a week. And if you need extra stuff you can earn $4.00 an hour for doing household chores any time.
Everything else is extra and is my option. If I am treated with respect and kids are appropriately grateful, then I usually do extra things for them. We try to help them learn about reciprocal relationships, something that most children with a history of abuse and neglect really don’t get.
And then there are times when we surprise them and we go above and beyond to show them we love them. We call these times “grace and mercy days” or sometimes we just don’t need a reason. For example, right now Bart is taking Jimmy to the gas station to buy a little snack. It’s a little tradition that they have that happens on days when Jimmy does something special to help Bart without asking to be paid.
For the past 6 months Salinda has been so critical that I have been looking for a way into her heart and it has not worked. I have gone out of my way to please her and it has never happened. (Now don’t think I’ve spoiled her rotten, but for a long time I have given her more because she always gave more back. All of the sudden the tide turned, and she not only stopped giving at all, but started to act as if she was entitled to all of the special things she had gotten in the past regardless of how mean she was to everyone else).
All of the sudden, Cindy, who you all know as Big Mama, got into me and I got a clue. I got pushed too far. I told her tonight, you WILL treat me with respect and dignity and you WILL be grateful or you WILL get NOTHING extra. You will not be given rides half way across town, I will not take your friends everywhere, I will not buy you stuff when you are in debt. In fact, I won’t do anything for a while until I feel like it. Because I have been treated with disrespect and ingratitude for too long. I told her, I am LARGE and IN CHARGE and I’m DONE being treated that way.
So tonight she politely asked if I could please loan her friend some money. I told her I would be HAPPY to because her FRIEND always treated me with respect and expressed gratitude appropriately. Two friends, Salinda and I went shopping and we actually had a pretty good time. I was my witty self, and they got my jokes. The two of them joined me and ganged up on Salinda and pointed out that they were SURE be more grateful if their moms were like me.
So, even though MIke is out running wild with tatooing supplies, sure to make another middle schooler’s parents furious, I am feeling pretty good. Salinda remembered to thank me for the ride home tonight, she is treating me well, and I am not feeling bitter and resentful.
Now if I could just get paranoid Dominyk to relax ... his med change in addition to all the phone calls and drama surrounding Mike tonight have “creeped him out” and he’s screaming, “Jesus Christ, God Almighty, Help me, Help me!” It’s a good thing I learned long ago to tune him out.
So tonight she needed a shirt for a concert. We provide things for school, whether kids are being appropriate or not, as it is our responsibility as parents. We try to help kids see the connections between privilege and responsibility. In our house, you do dishes once a week, go to church, and do your best in school. In exchange for those responsibilities of being part of our family, you get food, clothing, shelter and things required for school. You also have the opportunity to do a chore once a day to earn $7.00 a week. And if you need extra stuff you can earn $4.00 an hour for doing household chores any time.
Everything else is extra and is my option. If I am treated with respect and kids are appropriately grateful, then I usually do extra things for them. We try to help them learn about reciprocal relationships, something that most children with a history of abuse and neglect really don’t get.
And then there are times when we surprise them and we go above and beyond to show them we love them. We call these times “grace and mercy days” or sometimes we just don’t need a reason. For example, right now Bart is taking Jimmy to the gas station to buy a little snack. It’s a little tradition that they have that happens on days when Jimmy does something special to help Bart without asking to be paid.
For the past 6 months Salinda has been so critical that I have been looking for a way into her heart and it has not worked. I have gone out of my way to please her and it has never happened. (Now don’t think I’ve spoiled her rotten, but for a long time I have given her more because she always gave more back. All of the sudden the tide turned, and she not only stopped giving at all, but started to act as if she was entitled to all of the special things she had gotten in the past regardless of how mean she was to everyone else).
All of the sudden, Cindy, who you all know as Big Mama, got into me and I got a clue. I got pushed too far. I told her tonight, you WILL treat me with respect and dignity and you WILL be grateful or you WILL get NOTHING extra. You will not be given rides half way across town, I will not take your friends everywhere, I will not buy you stuff when you are in debt. In fact, I won’t do anything for a while until I feel like it. Because I have been treated with disrespect and ingratitude for too long. I told her, I am LARGE and IN CHARGE and I’m DONE being treated that way.
So tonight she politely asked if I could please loan her friend some money. I told her I would be HAPPY to because her FRIEND always treated me with respect and expressed gratitude appropriately. Two friends, Salinda and I went shopping and we actually had a pretty good time. I was my witty self, and they got my jokes. The two of them joined me and ganged up on Salinda and pointed out that they were SURE be more grateful if their moms were like me.
So, even though MIke is out running wild with tatooing supplies, sure to make another middle schooler’s parents furious, I am feeling pretty good. Salinda remembered to thank me for the ride home tonight, she is treating me well, and I am not feeling bitter and resentful.
Now if I could just get paranoid Dominyk to relax ... his med change in addition to all the phone calls and drama surrounding Mike tonight have “creeped him out” and he’s screaming, “Jesus Christ, God Almighty, Help me, Help me!” It’s a good thing I learned long ago to tune him out.
2 comments:
Oh man... Good for you! I tell my teenage (bio, I might add) son: "If you want something from me, you better KISS UP! DUH!!" or when he is rude "I'm sorry. Were you hoping to get something from me in the near future?
And, I get results :)
I mean seriously... you treat me like snot and want me to cough up the car keys??? I don't think so :)
Your friend in nutty parenting,
Linda
Large and in charge gets results every time. You go grilfriend.
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