In response to the request from independentsw, I have been contemplating sharing negative experiences with therapists. But instead, I think I’ll just do a quick list of things to remind therapists of things we think should happen (from the perspective of parents with kids with special needs who are manipulative and have multiple diagnosis)
1) Do not assume that the current family system is the issue.
2) Realize that you can be manipulated and that your client may have a goal in mind and will tell untruths to get you to achieve their agenda, even if it isn’t best for them.
3) When you make recommendations, be sure that you understand the implications of those recommendations and that they are truly in the best interest of your client.
4) If you believe that parents need to make some changes in the way they parent, talk to them privately and not in front of the child. Manipulative children use this as an excuse and as ammunition “If you would just do things like the therapist said, I would not act the way I do.”
5) Do not plant ideas in the minds of kids who are lower functioning, i.e., “Do you think that the reason you act the way you do is because you are not getting enough attention at home because there are so many children there?” (One of our sons who is the most proud of his large family and was the most excited about adding each child had this question asked of him multiple times by different professionals).
6) In dealing with children with multiple diagnosis, realize that parents are telling the truth if they report that something is not working ... do not assume that they are not following your instructions or that they are not doing it right and that is the reason it isn’t working.
7) Especially when dealing with adoptive parents, do not victimize them. The task that they have taken on is a very difficult one, and to become the object of blame, the reason for their children’s problems, and the sole responsibility for all issues is devastating.
8) Even if you are the child’s therapist, remember that the parents need compassion as well.
9) Be careful that a signed release doesn’t turn into permission to gossip or share your own personal negative feelings about the client
and finally,
10) Realize that imperfect parenting is better than no parenting. Some of these kids are never going to find a perfect family. The family they have, if that family is committed to them, is the best and only family they are going to get.
I am sure that what I have written could leave me wide open for criticism... but based on what we’ve been through, these are the cautions -- no holes barred -- that I would throw out there.
1) Do not assume that the current family system is the issue.
2) Realize that you can be manipulated and that your client may have a goal in mind and will tell untruths to get you to achieve their agenda, even if it isn’t best for them.
3) When you make recommendations, be sure that you understand the implications of those recommendations and that they are truly in the best interest of your client.
4) If you believe that parents need to make some changes in the way they parent, talk to them privately and not in front of the child. Manipulative children use this as an excuse and as ammunition “If you would just do things like the therapist said, I would not act the way I do.”
5) Do not plant ideas in the minds of kids who are lower functioning, i.e., “Do you think that the reason you act the way you do is because you are not getting enough attention at home because there are so many children there?” (One of our sons who is the most proud of his large family and was the most excited about adding each child had this question asked of him multiple times by different professionals).
6) In dealing with children with multiple diagnosis, realize that parents are telling the truth if they report that something is not working ... do not assume that they are not following your instructions or that they are not doing it right and that is the reason it isn’t working.
7) Especially when dealing with adoptive parents, do not victimize them. The task that they have taken on is a very difficult one, and to become the object of blame, the reason for their children’s problems, and the sole responsibility for all issues is devastating.
8) Even if you are the child’s therapist, remember that the parents need compassion as well.
9) Be careful that a signed release doesn’t turn into permission to gossip or share your own personal negative feelings about the client
and finally,
10) Realize that imperfect parenting is better than no parenting. Some of these kids are never going to find a perfect family. The family they have, if that family is committed to them, is the best and only family they are going to get.
I am sure that what I have written could leave me wide open for criticism... but based on what we’ve been through, these are the cautions -- no holes barred -- that I would throw out there.
2 comments:
Well said sister
I don't think that I suggested assuming that the every adoptive family is wonderful. It's not assuming the opposite that is my point. I just think that the realization that the parents might NOT be the problem would be a good start.
Wouldn't common sense suggest that if a child comes into a family with multiple diagnosis after a history of many placements, that possibly the children's issues are not related to the current parenting style?
Our parenting and family system was declared to be the issue and after leaving our home both of our sons have failed in almost every other kind of setting. I suppose that one conclusion could be that our parenting had so completely corrupted them that they couldn't function anywhere, but I think possibly this might show that our parenting was not causing their behaviors.
Post a Comment