I can sum this up in one sentence: If we could do it again we would focus on relationship, not on behavior.
Mike came to us at eight. They mentioned that he might have some attachment issues, but he didn’t seem like it to us. He called us Mom and Dad right away (now we think it was because it was easier than trying to remember our names). He sat on our laps, offered and accepted affection, etc. And because he didn’t have an FASD diagnosis then we parented him using “love and logic” consequenced based behavior modification.
At first it was our goal to stop the screaming. He raged anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours a day and could go 2 full hours straight, curled up in a fetal ball, screaming at the top of his lungs. It was amazing.
We also tried to stop the stealing, the destruction of everyones property, the “lying” that happened all the time by consequencing. His conclusion: We were mean people.
So, as the years went by, we were doing our very best to love him the best way we knew how. We were trying to prepare him for life, to show him what life would be like in the real world. But all we were doing, in retrospect, was teaching him (from his warped perspective) that we could not be trusted and now he has nobody to help him navigate the real world.
He continues to see us as the mean people who yell at him all the time and punish him for nothing every day. If that was your perspective, could you trust people to be helpful?
So now he is approaching adulthood and he is truly alone in the world. He trusts nobody but himself and loves noone. He will not accept any direction from us.
Now, I completely understand that if he truly had RAD and FASD and ODD and Narcisstic Personality Disorder when he arrived, that there is a possibility we might still be in the same place with any approach. His high IQ, combined with the disorders, gave him the ability to be crafty and manipulative on top of everything else.
My conclusion is this: In parenting kids with FASD, put the relationship first. I know it is a no brainer, but we had never parented before, and did not know Mike was affected. If your kid has the diagnosis, love them to death and realize that calm interpretation of the world for them, being their external brain, is the best way to help them -- not trying to fix them.
The results might be the same in regards to their behavior, but at least you’ll have their trust.
Mike came to us at eight. They mentioned that he might have some attachment issues, but he didn’t seem like it to us. He called us Mom and Dad right away (now we think it was because it was easier than trying to remember our names). He sat on our laps, offered and accepted affection, etc. And because he didn’t have an FASD diagnosis then we parented him using “love and logic” consequenced based behavior modification.
At first it was our goal to stop the screaming. He raged anywhere from 15 minutes to 3 hours a day and could go 2 full hours straight, curled up in a fetal ball, screaming at the top of his lungs. It was amazing.
We also tried to stop the stealing, the destruction of everyones property, the “lying” that happened all the time by consequencing. His conclusion: We were mean people.
So, as the years went by, we were doing our very best to love him the best way we knew how. We were trying to prepare him for life, to show him what life would be like in the real world. But all we were doing, in retrospect, was teaching him (from his warped perspective) that we could not be trusted and now he has nobody to help him navigate the real world.
He continues to see us as the mean people who yell at him all the time and punish him for nothing every day. If that was your perspective, could you trust people to be helpful?
So now he is approaching adulthood and he is truly alone in the world. He trusts nobody but himself and loves noone. He will not accept any direction from us.
Now, I completely understand that if he truly had RAD and FASD and ODD and Narcisstic Personality Disorder when he arrived, that there is a possibility we might still be in the same place with any approach. His high IQ, combined with the disorders, gave him the ability to be crafty and manipulative on top of everything else.
My conclusion is this: In parenting kids with FASD, put the relationship first. I know it is a no brainer, but we had never parented before, and did not know Mike was affected. If your kid has the diagnosis, love them to death and realize that calm interpretation of the world for them, being their external brain, is the best way to help them -- not trying to fix them.
The results might be the same in regards to their behavior, but at least you’ll have their trust.
4 comments:
Claudia,
Love yourself as well and let go of the regrets and the nagging thoughts of what you might have done differently. The only one who should have regrets is the one who stood by and did nothing.
You did what you knew how to do and you did it out of love. None of us is prepared to perfectly parent a child with the kind of brain damage that comes along with FASD and attachment disorders (broken attachments and neglect have also been shown to change the hardwiring of the brain).
Thank you for sharing your experience and the wisdom you have gained over the years, but don't beat yourself up.
You and Bart have kept Mike safe all these years despite himself. He has been well fed and loved. He has heard you pray over him. He has been given the opportunity to be a part of a family that loves him and each other despite many challenges.
Proud to call you my friend, ~Kari
And remember...you may not see the fruits of all you've done for years...but I believe that you will someday. I truly believe that.
I would add to what Kari says that the only one who should truly have regrets is the one who caused him to have FAS. If I knew I had done that to a child, I wouldn't be able to live with it.
I think that you are doing the best that you can and the end of the story isn't written yet.
We all can look back at our lives and see things we would do differently. That's the beauty of hindsight. Both you and Bart approached Mike from a place of love; never is that wrong.
Like Kari, Cindy, and Susan have said, Mike's story isn't over yet.
We're all praying for all of you.
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