If I were going to state one of my weaknesses as a parent is that I have a compulsion to add commentary to everything I say. I try to think ahead and answer questions before they are raised, address hidden issues, etc. And the bottom line is that I talk too much.
This morning, for example, I needed to confront Salinda about the fact that she was on the phone, without permission and sneakily, at 11:15 last night. What I needed to say is, “You need to select whether or not you will be showered in bed by 10 or go without the phone for a week.” and let it go. But no, I needed to comment on how it made me feel, and how she probably didn’t like getting woken up with that news, but I didn’t like waking up in the middle of the night and finding her on the phone. And how I was disappointed that after last night we had discussed so many ways that the family was going to accommodate her plans this tonight and tomorrow that she couldn’t even abide by the family rules and how it was sad I couldn’t trust her.
Could someone please tell me to SHUT UP!
This morning, for example, I needed to confront Salinda about the fact that she was on the phone, without permission and sneakily, at 11:15 last night. What I needed to say is, “You need to select whether or not you will be showered in bed by 10 or go without the phone for a week.” and let it go. But no, I needed to comment on how it made me feel, and how she probably didn’t like getting woken up with that news, but I didn’t like waking up in the middle of the night and finding her on the phone. And how I was disappointed that after last night we had discussed so many ways that the family was going to accommodate her plans this tonight and tomorrow that she couldn’t even abide by the family rules and how it was sad I couldn’t trust her.
Could someone please tell me to SHUT UP!
3 comments:
Claudia,
My gut instinct is to yell and lecture but I have tried to train myself not to do that because it only makes situations worse with Ben and Anna (I could get away with it with my older kids because they don't have such strong Fight or Flight responses- healthy limbic systems are much easier to parent!)
My trick is to picture either Mr. Rogers or Jane Goodall (she works with chimpanzees) and respond like I think they would respond to an angry kid or a crazy monkey. It usually works...usually. I have a hard time picturing Mr. Rogers screaming and crying like I was yesterday. ~Kari
I have the same "issue" and I think it's because we are communicators.
We hope that in our long, drawn-out explanations there will be some glimmer shining through to our children that they will grasp onto and grow. Sometimes it happens, but I think more often it doesn't.
Plus, by offering every possible feeling/thought/emotion/logic/reasoning behind it all, we feel better and justified in whatever restriction or discipline we choose.
Anyway, you're not alone in the need to "sit down and shut up" -- especially in the world of teenage, hormonally challenged girls -- and recognizing what we need to change is a wonderful start!
I remember when we got our first kid and I was going to be this wonderful parent who talks to my child and explains everything and doesn't yell at them......helps them to understand how their actions affect others, etc. Guess what? It didn't work!! That was really hard for me to accept and still is with my 2 oldest (teens). The most effected kid I can be most direct with and let it go, probably because he has moved onto physically fighting me or his little sister over it. But it IS a hard thing to change about yourself when you want them to understand how they do affect society. I'll have to take Kari's suggestion and maybe get myself a green sweater.
Post a Comment